Day 2 of my writing challenge

“انتي بتحبّي تلاقي شي تكوني زعلانة عليه يا بنت. ليش ما بتعرفي تكوني مبسوطة؟”

مرّة من شي ١٠ أو ١١ سنة، في حدا كتير كنت حبّو وقدرو واتفق معو رغم فرق العمر قلّي هالجملة. هيدا الشخص خسِرناه هو وعم بيكافح ضد مرض ما بيستسلم الّا ما يدَمّر ويربح. ما بعرف ليش بس قريت جملة اليوم تذكرت يلّي قالتلي ياه هالانسانة يلّي الا فقدة اكتر من كبيرة. وما بتذكّر ليش بوقتها قالتلي هيك بس بعرف انّو كتير اوقات بتطن بدينتي هالجملة كل ما كون حاسي حالي متضايقة وبرجع بشد حالي شوي. وبفكّر اديش كانت تعرفني قبل ما أنا اتعرّف عحالي 

يمكن هالجملة بعدا ببالي لأنّو فيها وما فيها. ما بعتبر حالي شخص سلبي. أو عالأقل مش مع غيري. بس ايه كتير سلبية مع حالي. كتير بكسّر بحالي وبتوقّع الأسوَء وعلى طول بقدر لاقي شي مش عاجبني بحياتي وبدّو تحسين أو تغيير. وهيدا الشي كتير بيمتص طاقة منّي وبِتعبني وبتعب يلّي حوليي أكيد. بس كل ما بتذكر هالجملة بجرّب خفّف تفكير وتَعَب وبركّز عالاشياء الحلوة بحياتي وبلاحظ انّو هالاشياء كتار كتير. بس هيك

“You don’t need to always have something to mope about! You know you can be just happy.”

This was something that about 10 or 11 years ago someone – who I absolutely adored, respected and, despite the age difference, could spend time with and truly enjoy it anytime, anywhere – said to me. This person got sick and she lost an exhausting battle against that thing I like to forget exists. Although unfortunately, it more than exists – it invades and insists on destroying everything in sight. Despite that, she fought bravely and it was the last thing I ever thought would happen but it happened.

I’m not sure I remember the reason she said that to me at the time but I know that it still resonates with me to this day, especially when I’m feeling blue and she was right. As soon as I read today’s challenge, it was the first thing that came to my mind. Maybe because it still rings true often. I wouldn’t describe myself as a negative person. Not with others at least. But I am negative with myself. I undermine my successes, I expect the worst (and when I mean the worst, I really mean the worst), and I can always find something in my life to pick on, that can be improved, or that can be changed or eliminated altogether, and not in a healthy way.

Anyway, this post is a bit deeper than I like but this is a challenge after all and I’m trying to be as transparent as I am comfortable to be. When I saw the challenge for today, I thought of what she said to me instantly and thought I’d give this a go. Every time I think of it, I push myself to have a different outlook on life and start to realise the happy. And there is a lot of happy. The end.

Miss you Mich.